My Ramblings
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
To syla,tanx a lot 4 de niice words.. all de advices.. tanx so much dearest.. i appreciateit so much.. aniwae,i broke down in my room afta finding out smth so hurtful.. arif returned me all de stuffs i gave him.. yes,he gave me all back.. not a single one left.. but it's okay.. if u're gonna clean 4get abt me,den i shall do de same.. i dint regret a single thingat all.. im gonna be frank here.. let it be.. im so fucked up now.. syla noes y.. bt den imstill gona put it up here... u can den read up yah.. i was screwed up.. threw all de stuffshe gave me back all over my room.. i cudnt stand it.. cudnt hang on animore.. i burst into tears.. syla recognised my voice.. it was different.. she knew i was weeping.. n asked why..told her abt wad happen.. so yah.. arif gave me back all de things back.. so wad??!! u thinki care ah?? hell no.. while talking 2 syla on de fon,zat smsed me.. yes he did.. trying 2 defend arif s much s possible.. i noe la... but tell u wad.. u're nt involve in dix so ybother 2 interfere?? u told me he's ur brader.. rite.. finne.. fine wid me.. bt pls la.. u're on one sided of de story n u expect things 2 become fine wid jz a few words... dun u realise how much his words has hurt me?? u cant cox u werent de one reading de sms-es n swallowing all de pain.. get wad i mean?? u said arif was in frustration n sadnesswen he sms-ed me all dox harsh words?? cant he cool down first?? y mux it always be me hu has 2 control it all.. recall de past.. he was de one hu asked 4 de break up 1st.. but icontrolled myself s not 2 reply 2 all dox ego sms-es cox i noe if i happen 2 reply back in anger,dats de end of us.. im so sure... bt i dint want dat 2 happen.. i controlled...noone knew abt it.. but i cant hang on animore.. i failed.. i let go.. n i noe i did de rite thing 2 let go.. i was so foolish of me 2 hang on.. haix.. u mentioned dat arif dint mean wad he said.. c'mon la.. can u just erase wad has happen?? all de harsh words which hurt me deeply.. too deep 2 clear it all now. u think i can jz 4get like dat?? no way!! once derz a cut,der will foreva be de mark der... i dun wanna be reminded of de pain again.. so wad he has done is enuf okay.. tell him it's enuf.. enuf of hurting me...
arif told ya dat he wud welcum me back if i wasnt happy wid my life.. c'mon.. think.. wud i go back 2 sumone hu has hurt me so badly wid his words.. 2 sum ppl,words r jz wordsbut nt 2 me.. i take it seriously. tho u said he dint do it purosely.. 4 ur info, all i did was 2 weeped.. weeped is all i did de whole day. de whole of yest nite.. n arif evermentioned 2 me not 2 disturb him animore n not 2 seek help frm him.. treat s if we never knew each otha.. so wad now?? r u saying derz a twist 2 de reality?? isit? or isit me? i noe it's not me.. it's him.. wad is he trying 2 say??!! even if he still luv me,wud he dare 2 break my hart? hurt me wid such words?? sumone who luv me wudnt even dare 2 hurt menot a single hurt will i get frm de person.. den i'll respect de prsn n myte tink over 2reconcile wid de person.. but 2 go back 2 arif?? fat hope ok.. im serious here.. i dun want 2 be reminded of de past n over wad he has done.. i dun want 2 feel de pain animore cox it hurts so much.. so much dat i can no longer hang on.. hate me if he wants.. n u toozat.. hate me if u want.. it wun bother me... it wun bother me a single bit.. u simply dunappreciate ur fren's help zat.. jz cox arif is more closer 2 u den u dare 2 do dix 2 me...recall ur past "my fren".. who was der 4 u?? hu was de one hu helped u wid emi?? hu gaveu advice?? who??!! tell me who??!! n i realised now dat it dint pay off bein kind.. n cox of u i dint haf de mood 2 eat dox delicious chickens frm kfc.. i was too angry 2 eat.n u made dat happen.. u disappoint me.. haix.. i was cox of u dat teaches me smth.. being kind doesnt pay even 4 a single bit.. u listened 2 his part of reality.. n wanted 2 hear de otha half frm me?? c'mon.. im tired ok.. tired of all dix.. i cant be bothered animore abt dix.. it was true wad syla said.. jz dun bother abt wad happen n it wun affectme.. yes,im so angry at u.. hate me 4 all i care.. u too arif.. hate me.. hate me!! i jzcant be bothered wid ppl like u.. still exist n hurt ppl 4 all u care.. fcuk la!
ouh yah.. arif,if u think dat i'll be kecewa in life afta u've gone,i'll prove u wrong..infact im hapie wid my dear farhan.. yes i am.. he gave me all i need.. de luv,de care n de concern.. de attention which i dun get frm u.. i got frm him.. he was der wen i need ashoulder 2 cry on.. i was nvr wrong in choosing him s mine.. n we're hapie being together.so wad now?? u're gonna turn me upside down by using hu now?? zat again?? c'mon.. i wun b affected by all dix animore.. enuf of ur words.. words which dun mean a thing... zat said u want 2 continue de relationship till we get married?? ahahahaha.. u making me luff mann..im onlie 17 now n u're talking abt marriage already?? it's still a long way 4 me.. i wanacontinue study.. n i dint say i wanna marry u.. i dint give u my promise.. n im told nt2 limit myself wid guys.. i can still befrens wid guys u noe.. at dix very age.. so stop all dox imaginations.. save it 4 sumone hu needs it more den i do ok.. u're changing thingsnow.. i thot of making u my fren.. jz like my otha exs.. nazry, shafiq n sadiq.. dey all were friendly n m still m frendly 2wards me.. so y cant u?? u change it all.. now i hate u.so how? u said it.. u hate me jz like u hate liyana.. hah! n u're totally a different prsn.i read ur sms-es over n over again.. cudnt believe it was u.. de u i've known since long ago.. bt de behaviour changed suddenly.. so suddenly dat it hurt me.. haix.. enuf ok.. dun bug me already.. u asked zat 2 sms me 2dae.. hu wud u use 2 sms me tml? yanah??
to my dear farhan,if u happen 2 read all dix,i jz hope u understand my situation.. i choseu over him wid my own reasons.. n by now,u shud noe de reasons.. i've told u b4.. if u wananoe again,pls do ask me.. i'll be glad 2 tell u again.. im sorry if i dint tell u i was troubled wid wads happening.. dint tell u dat i weeped n stuffs.. i dun wana disturb u.. datsall.. no otha reason.. n i dun wana make u worry so much.. jz noe dat im veri happie beingwid u.. i jz need de attention frm u.. jz like how otha gerls get attention frm their guys.dats de way i want it 2 be. nt too much n nt too little.. i jz hope u'll really understandme.. i was so touched dat u're willing 2 change cox of me.. i did.. n still am.. u proved2 me once dat u're changed frm ur past.. i got proof frm ur fren.. it's gud dat u're changed.. jz abt de smoking thing,i wun force u 2 stop.. bt lessen de number of cigaretteseach day will do okay dear?? i haf always been happie wid u.. trust me.. i trust u wid allmy hart.. n i dun wish 2 be hurt animore.. my harts' broken n it needs fixing.. u're de onlione hu can fix de broken pieces.. do help me find de missing pieces.. pls do.. i dun wana feel de pain animore... i dun intend 2 feel it again.. enuf is enuf.. i noe u're trying ur best 2 change.. n im proud of u..
P:S.. i dun regret losing frens like u zat.. i wun regret a single thing.. serious.. im frank.. if evry of my frens wud be like u,i better off not haf any frens.. bt luckily,dey understood my situation n supported me s always.. n i haf de backing n support of my family.. mind u! my bro is wid me.. my mom too.. so?? im nt lacking of any support..ARE YOU???!!! hahaha...
i guess i stop here.. to dear farhan,i miz u dear! wen can we meet?? n to syla,bile mau jumpe? kau da kaye kan?? haha.. jgn lupe blanje aku ye.. lol.. take care..
always and forever lovin' you;
11:47 PM
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