My Ramblings

a lot of things haf been happening lately.
esp dox sad sad ones.
thanks syla fer de help.
i was so needing dem.
n u were really der 4 me.
thanks a lot dear fwen. syg kao!

been thru de difficult part of life.
which was to leave sumone whom i REALLY love.
i oways had dat difficulty in making such decisions.
but dix time round, i was FORCED to LEAVE.
wad do i do?
ignore de forcing?
i simply cant.
cos it'll b den a one sided love.
n goin onto a relationship wid one-sided love is
veri dangerous.
any time can collapse.
n i dont want it to collapse.
so? how? tell me wad i shud do.

it all had to happen on de morning of raye.
why?
i noe im to blame cos i asked u "dat" qn.
but u cud haf told me to 4get it n make me change to
another subject or topic.
but nah. u dint.
nehmind. im to blame. no worries.

im was ALL SAD.
stress out. crying on de fone wen talking to syla.
hopefully she cud hear wad i was talking abt lah.
she was my shoulder to cry on.
nt physically. bt just imagine lah.
she understood wad i was trying to tell.
she understands wad im goin thru.
she perfectly does. i noe she does.
i was all weeping away wen we started to talk abt "dat".
she tried really hard to console me.
bt den i was still crying away.
i guess it was too sad to be true.
n it was on de morning of raye okae.
out of all days, it had to happen on dix very day.
haiz.
she was oso stressed out.
but sorry gerl, i cudnt help out much.
was in a VERI BAD STATE myself.
i dunoe wad else to say.
it all happen too QUICKLY.
wen i dont wish 4 smth to happen, it'll happen.
n wen i wish 4 smth to happen, it wont happen.
wth?!
syla n me talked on de fone till like 6am.
both cudnt sleep so we went ahead to continue
talking. tried to cheer each other up.
cos both were down wid sadness.

consoling me can be veri difficult.
esp wen it comes to feelings n stuffs related to love.
it gets even deeper wen im HURT.
haiz.
"if u dont mind, please leave me."
dat phrase will oways b in my mind.
i wont n shant 4get dem.
cos i SIMPLY CANT.

today, ferst day of raye.
happy?
i tried to.
wid de company of my family.
i tried to control de tears.
had a family meal together. at home.
i missed dox times wen all 4 of us had our meals
together. haiz.
but im glad we did had our breakfast together today.
all were happy. i supposed.
talkin to daddy cheered me up.
he asked me to dye his hair.
i was so pleased to do dat cos he nvr did ask me to
do such things 4 him. serious.
so 4 of us watched teevee ferst b4 proceeding
to nenek n atuk's hse.
de drama on suria attracted our attention.
visiting was delayed due to interesting drama. haha.
change of plan.
decided to go to mak's house ferst.
a few blocks away only.

here's de list of houses we went to lah:
a total of 7 houses okae.
1. mak's house
2. nenek's house
3. nek kintan's house (daddy's mak tiri)
4. umi maznah's house
5. nek chu's house
6. nek busu's house
7. mak long's house.
all de neneks houses were visited infact lahh.
visitings today were lesser compared to last yr's
ferst day outing.
serious. ask my bro if dont believe.

i had to admit dix.
i cried in de bus.
sumpah i cried.
i swear to god.
lucky thing my parents were sitting infront of me n bro.
n bro was sleeping soundly.
i was de only one awake.
dat was fortunate enuf la.
nobody did even notice i was crying.
i tried to avoid thinkin abt YOU.
yes, i did tried.
but i just failed to do so.
my mind was away.
too far away to be concentrated.
haiz.
i was.
thinkin of YOU.
i swear my mind was ALL about YOU.
thinkin of how u're celebrating raye today.
thinkin of whether u're happy to celebrate raye.
thinkin of whether u're goin out wid siblings
to meet ur mom.
thinkin of how u celebrating raye wid ur family.
thinkin of whether u're goin out today to visit.
n wid whom.
thinkin whether u'll b sad.
i hope not.
i just hope u're happy today.
i wish i cud see dox happiness.
i wish i cud share dem wid u.
i wish to but i noe i cant.
cos u'll nvr gonna let me share dem wid u,
ever again.
kan? m i rite?
i was just worried 4 u.
i was worried u'll b all alone during dix times.
i was worried u'll b left alone.
i was worried u'll b sad on dix special occasion.
in all, i was too worried 4 u.
u dont worry.
i dont expect anything.
i dont need u to return back by worrying abt me.
it's okae if u dont.
cos i chose to worry abt u.
u dint force. it's my own pick.

everywer i go,
im oways reminded of YOU.
sumpah.
de songs in my ipod.
relaku pujuk.
show me the light.
dox techno songs which u listen to.
right here waiting.
many more songs which reminded me
of YOU.
de song u like to sing wen we go geylang.
"tunduk,tunduk. geleng,geleng. anggok,anggok....."
dat song. wen it was on teevee,
de ferst person dat comes to my mind,
was YOU.
yes, YOU; zul.
evrything just crossed my mind.
n i mean EVERYTHING dat we did.
used to. wad happened wen we were together.
it all gushed thru my mind like so suddenly.
n dat made me weeped.
tears rolled down my cheeks.
wiped dem off s quickly s i can to avoid being seen.
haiz.

If only u understand how i feel.
If only u noe how much u mean to me.
If only u noe how much i love u 4 hu u r.
not 4 de looks. not 4 money. bt 4 hu u r.
If only dix was all a dream.
haiz.

always and forever lovin' you;
11:45 PM

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