My Ramblings

fyi.
im back to SINGLEHOOD.
to accept dat FACT,
i had to sumhow occupy myself wid things.
such as?
housework.
helping out my mummy in cooking.
be niice to people.
but mostly im occupied wid doing housework.
n suddenly my mummy thot i was so hardworking.
but de fact dat i did it wid a REASON,
she dint noe.
i jus kept quiet n continued.

frankly speaking,
speaking right from deep bottom of my hart&soul,
i cant forget HIM.
i swear.
tho i tried,
i still cant.
evrywer i go.
evrything i do.
anywer.evrywer.anything.evrything.
de things i do will ALWAYS remind me of HIM.
hais.
really la.
how do i forget things wen each time i do one thing
or another, im reminded of HIM.
like seriously evrything.
chewing gum reminds me of HIM.
chewing 8 hours 4 a whole day wen he was clubbing.
HE told me dat before.
n de list goes on.
hais.

i dunoe how to lead life now.
for a moment,
i thot i've lost my whole life.
but den again,
i dint.
cos im practically still alive s u can see.
so yes.
im so fucked up wif life before HE LEFT.
and now, he's doing me dix.
he's giving me all dix.
aint dat jus great?
adding to my SO FUCKING STRESSFUL life.
der goes my timeofbeingfree.
hais.
s i thot life would be beautiful wen u're in love.
okay. it's true la.
but wen de love is gone?
wen de relationship is over?
it wudnt be niice alreadi rite?
it wudnt be beautiful rite?
hais.

jus get dix in ur mind people.
wen smth bad gonna happen to me,
i can jus sense it.
so before u all tell me,
i can jus predict wad will happen.

for example,
YOU told me abt her on wednesday if im not wrong.
n from dat very moment,
i can sense smth is gonna happen in de next few days.
smth's wrong.
smth bad.
i was really worried.
thinking negative.
tho i tried not to n syla helped me in dat.
but in de end it really happen.
see wad i mean?

maybe we're not meant to be together.
i dunoe.
but deep inside me,
ders still de LOVE for YOU.
i STILL LOVE YOU.
i STILL MISS YOU.
i STILL LONG FOR YOU.
i cudnt understand myself why i cudnt hate YOU.
prolly cos de LOVE for YOU has taken it's toll within me.
i LOVE YOU too much to even hate YOU.
u dint noe dat. rite?

i noe partly de reason why u left me.
dont deny it wen i say
u're leaving me cos of her.
rite?
jus dont lie wen u cant okay.
noone in actual fact can lie to me.
so dont.
see for urself in de mirror.
can u not say dat u're interested in evry gerl
dat has told YOU dat she has feelings for YOU?
can YOU?
can YOU really admit u wont be interested in dem?
let me tell u de truth.
i dunoe why each time a gerl expressed her feelings
towards u, u'll get aggitated.
hais.
and to find out i wasnt de one u're looking for.
dats de saddest thing sumone ever told me.
you've once told me i wasnt de one u're looking for.
de very ferst time u asked me to leave me.
"please leave me if u dont mind."
it's still fresh in my mind.
yes, i left.
i did wad u've asked.
and so,
u came back.
came back to me asking me to go back to you.
and i did.
i chose YOU rather than HIM.
u noe dat.
it's pretty obvious anyway.
im still wondering.
why did u ever asked me to be ur gf if im not de
type of gerl u're looking for?
u told me once.
and i cudnt accept it at ferst.
but i accept it after a while realising maybe
im not good enuf for YOU.
in de end, who asked who back?
u asked for me.
and now, u're leaving me.
wads dix?
u shudnt haf asked me to be ur gf if u noe im not
de one u're looking for.
i wud haf moved on wid life den.
accepting evry little bitter fact u're giving me.
but no.
i still CHOSE YOU.
hais.

i never did break ur hart.
n why in de world r u doing dix to me?
im still wondering why.
even if i did,
it's jus not major enuf.
i can make up to it.
and i did.
i nvr left YOU cos of sum other guys.
i cud if i want to but i dint.
cos i noe i love u.
whole-heartedly.
not like sumone whose feelings changes over time.
ur feelings change too fast.
too sudden.
i cant accept dat.

i thot OUR relationship was goin on smooth.
very smooth i shall say.
goin on well.
even u said it urself.
"i tak sangke relationship kite werk out well."
n i agreed wid u.
but look wad happen?
evrythings gone.
too sudden.
too shocking.
very unexpected.
yes, very smooth s u said.
hais.

i cried each time i go to bed.
thinking of YOU.
thinking of OUR PAST.
OUR MEMORIES.
de overnite at east coast park.
de ton.
de tent.
de beach.
town.
west coast.
bedok.
dhoby ghaut; opposite of de istana.
songs. practically ur fac songs.
pictures. ur cute faces on my fone.
ur self-obsessed pics.
i cant sleep properly dix past few days.
fikiran.
stress.
terlalu stress.
i dunoe wad else i shud do.
i dunoe if i shud resort to my old stuffs.
which i dont think u wanna noe wad.
u dont wish to noe.
hais.
i oways look at de pics we used to take.
ur lighter.
ur chocolates.
im left wid memories of YOU.
isnt dat a sad thing?
hais.
i'll cherish dox moments i had wid u.
very much.

i guess i'll take a long time to heal again.
hais.
SECOND TIME.
it's taking over me.
how i wish i cud jus die.
die in peace.
so i wont be let to be HURT over n over again.
so that i dont haf to think abt u GUYS.
why must i go thru dix?
all alone.
hais.

if i were to talk,
dix entry is gonna be very long.
so i shall stop.

YOU wont be calling me again i guess.
not even for once.
i noe.
i jus noe.
if u were to call, den it'll be a miracle.
i noe u wont call.
de last time we met was on a wednesday.
dated 18th January 2006.
take note.
i wonder wen's de next time i see YOU.
hmmmm.
not 4 now i guess.
de only communication we may haf is only
de blog i guess.
plus msn if u wish to talk to me.
if not den it'll be de blog alone.
cos u'll nvr gonna call me again wadd.
true enuf?
hais.

always and forever lovin' you;
8:39 PM

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